Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
