I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
