i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
