We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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