i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
