I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I checked into jail on foursquare
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
