i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
