apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
