it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I think I won the penis lottery.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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