a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
