He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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