Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
