My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
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He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We are two peas in an std pod
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After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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