I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
