I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
