i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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