WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
