your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize