wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
