I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
