Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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