He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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