Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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