And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
