I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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