I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
