Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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