quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
