I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
That was before I lit my hair on fire
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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