Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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