the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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