We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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