i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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