So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
