CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
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It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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