And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
