i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
