You can't special order awesome
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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