You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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