mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Randomize
