he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
