I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'm really busy with my period
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