she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
