So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
