My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
