At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
