the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
