ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
