she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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