I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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