I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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