I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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