i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
