This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
