Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I party with great urgency now.
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