last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
