Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
