God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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