Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
