if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
