i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
